11.21.2008

Ambushed.


It was February 14th. I was in the eighth grade. It was our yearly Valentine’s dance. This year, though, was quite different for me. I had been nominated for ‘Queen’ and was up against two of the most popular girls in my grade. I had never been nominated for anything of that sort in my entire life and I was ecstatic beyond belief.

I had on my dress, my hair was fixed, my make-up was on, and I had arrived at the school. I was ready for the night. I was so nervous, yet I felt so confident. They announced the nominees to come to the front of the gym. After a long awaited anticipation they announced that I had become ‘Queen’ of that year’s Valentine’s dance. I was so happy. The rest of the night I was on top of the world.

Why is it that before I was nominated for ‘Queen’, I had issues with my body image? And why is it that after, and still today, I have issues with my body image? I never really understood why that night being insecure of my body was the furthest thing from my mind, yet a day later I was back to my normal insecure-self again.

Why is it that we seek out compliments and assurances from people that we look okay? Or that we are pretty? Why should other's views of us shape what we think of ourselves? I constantly feel like I have to seek affirmation from other people that I look okay so that I don’t have insecure feelings.

We shouldn’t form our outlook of ourselves based upon others’ observations of our bodies. We should be focusing on what God, the one person who really knows how we look, thinks and not what others think, when they’ve been ambushed by the world’s viewpoint on what the word 'pretty' means.

11.20.2008

Intricately Woven.


Have you ever looked at a picture of a baby in their mother's womb? It is miraculous how much detail and perfection is put into the process. It's so serene. While looking at it, you have to think that something like that had to be created, not evolved.

Like most teenage girls, I have trouble accepting myself for who I am. I always criticize my body, as if the more I taunt it the skinnier and prettier it will become. I look in the mirror and see something different than what everyone else sees. In the past this annoyance with my body caused me to become obsessed. I’ve recently been trying to accept my body for who it is, not what it is. I know that I should be content with myself, just as God made me. The Creator of the galaxies, the Creator of the tides of the ocean spent time on ME. He shaped me in my mother’s womb and molded my fingers and my toes. He did all of that in resemblance of him. In Psalms 139:14 it says “I will give thanks to you because I have been so amazingly and miraculously made” (GW). Psalms 139:17 says “How precious are your thoughts concerning me, O God! How vast in number they are!” (GW) He thinks of me. He thinks of ME. God, the Lord Almighty who sits in the thrones of Heaven, thinks of ME. He not only thinks of me, He thinks of me so much that it says “How vast in number they are!” Why would he think of someone so much? He must really dearly love me.

In church last night my pastor said something concerning all of this. He illustrated that when you make something for someone and they don’t appreciate it, it makes you sad. Then why would we think unhappy thoughts about our bodies that Christ made? He made us with Him in mind. When I am thinking thoughts like “I wish I was beautiful” or “I wish that I looked like her” I’m actually making fun of God’s creation of my body.

I encourage all of you girls, or guys, who are like me. If you’re not content with who you are, I encourage you to read Psalms 139. It will give you an assurance of how God made you is how you are supposed to be. He didn’t make your nose or your body a certain way so that you would feel miserable your entire life, he made it because He thought it made you look beautiful.

“My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.” -Psalms 139:15 (ESV)

11.19.2008

Traveling.


I’ve always wanted to travel. Go some place away from everyone and everything. Our society is mistaken and immune to everything. We don’t appreciate things like other countries may. I want to go someplace where they have little; where their blessings are noticed. I want to see the hurting faces and give them smiles. I want to feed their famished bodies. I want to learn about their cultures and discover their different ways of thinking. I want to breathe their air and see their land.

I want to leave all of this madness. The terror of this country has overwhelmed me. Where are we going with all of this? Where am I supposed to be taken? Why are the minds of the younger generation being taught things that are senseless- the National Anthem being changed, evolution being taught in schools as a fact, homosexual marriage being passed as a law. What ever happened to the rules that our forefathers established this country on?

This is why I want to get away. Our hope is lost. The meaning of love is blurred. I want to go someplace where they embrace hope and love.

I want to disappear.

11.18.2008

Friends vs. Flakes


I never thought transitioning from public school to homeschool would be so hard. I thought it would be the easiest thing to do. Everyday now is a struggle for me. Keeping up with the assigned homework, having access to my kitchen all day, not staying in touch with my friends has been the most difficult for me.

I always thought while being at the school how blessed I would be if I could be homeschooled. Not having to put up with the stupid people was my number one priority. Listening to the teachers drag on and on and hearing all the gossip flood throughout the halls was also on the list. I couldn't stand being in that school for another day. I wanted out. I hated hearing all the words of hatred and scorn being thrown out of people's mouths as if they were normal things to say. Being hassled and laughed at because I am a Christian wasn't something that I looked forward to.

I guess now I really wouldn't really say that I want to go back to that school. I just wish the friendships that I built while I was there would still be standing. All the 'friends' who I thought would stay in contact with me haven't called. The only friend who I have stayed in touch with dropped out of school. The other two friends I miss terribly. One has replaced me with her boyfriend, and the other...well, I really don't know what happened to the other one. I just wish that I had friends who were worth being friends with. I always thought that they would be there for me. I guess I was wrong.

Homeschooling isn't all that bad. You meet new people, learn that you've been taught wrong in public school, and you get done with school a lot faster. I guess the one thing that I would take away from all of this is the people who may seem like they are there for me are really not. I guess I have to be careful who I consider is a friend and who is a flake.