12.11.2009

Home Alone.

There's something about being home alone. The feel of my home is different, there is a silence that lingers through the hall... a silence that I crave. I love being able to turn my music up all the way, and not have someone yelling at me to turn it down. I can watch a movie without being interrupted. I can curl up on the couch and mute the TV and just lay in the silence. I can turn all the lights off.

[[This is the silence in my life that I crave. The same silence and comfort that I feel when I'm all by myself. That's the silence that I feel my life currently lacks. Every night this week I've had something going on. I feel like my life has too much consistency. Which can be a good thing most days. Other days I just want to come home and lay in the silence by myself without being bothered.]]

My life just needs to be silenced. I've talked about before on how I've learned how to silence the noise, but some days are harder than others. I can't wait to start a new chapter in my life. New friends. New places. New directions. New environment. New community. New rules. New lives to experience.

I guess I just am afraid that all this 'new' stuff won't happen. When I want something so bad, I tend to not get it. Or if I do, I feel shorted. My expectations were too high.

Well... right now I'm sitting on the couch in my Broncos hoodie, covered by a blanket, laptop in lap, lights all off, Stomp the Yard playing in front of me, with the dog laying next to me. I'm happy.

But someone wise once said...

 "Happiness only real when shared."

12.03.2009

Holiday Gift Ideas.

I ran across this article called Top Ten Gift Ideas for Your Best Friend. I thought I would share it with you guys, and give you some ideas for this holiday season. :)


1) PHOTO CALENDAR
A photo calendar is a great gift idea because your best friend will be able to enjoy it all year long. Gather up 12 or 18 of your favorite pictures with your best friend and head on over to Kinko's, or Kinkos.com and for only $19.99 they will make you this personalized calendar. You can add important dates, and choose from 4 different styles. You can also pick whether you want a 12 month calendar or an 18 month calendar. This gift is cheap, unique, and your best friend will love it!

2) MIX CDMix CDs are great because they are cheap and your best friend will be able to keep it forever! Sure a "mix tape" sounds a lot more original but not many people even have a tape player these days. With a mix CD you can put songs that you and your best friend have loved over the years and listen to it everywhere you go. Your best friend will love the time and thought you put into making it and both of you will be able to enjoy it.

3) SCRAPBOOK
Scrapbooks are becoming more and more popular these days. They are a fun way to make the gift for your best friend as personalized as possible, and it'll be fun for you as well! The best place to purchase a scrapbook is at Michael's, and they have all of the accessories for it as well. You could start the first few pages for her with your favorite pictures, and then let her fill up the rest. Scrapbooks are really fun to make and you could even make the pages together so both of you can have some fun!

4) "THE BEST FRIENDS BOOK" BY TODD PARR
If you go to
amazon.com you will be able to find this cute little book called "The Best Friends Book." It's written like a little kid's book but it has some silly little descriptions on what it means to be a best friend. For example, one page says a best friend "will tell you funny jokes even if you blow milk out of your nose when you laugh." As simple as it is, this book will mean a lot to your best friend and it's funny as well! At around $5.00 this gift is definitely worth every penny.

5) ANYTHING HANDMADE
Handmade gifts are always the best because it shows that you put your time, thought, and effort into making something special. You could knit a scarf, paint a picture, make a necklace, make a purse out of some old jeans, basically anything you can think of your best friend will love just for the simple fact that you made it. Michael's craft store has hundreds of project ideas so you don't have to worry about not being able to think of something to make. Hand making a gift is also a great idea because you can spend as much or as little money as you want on it, and have fun while making it!

6) ITEM FOR HER FAVORITE HOBBY
Does your best friend have a favorite hobby? Whether its sewing, dancing or collecting treasure trolls, your best friend will be thrilled to see that you cared about her hobby while putting your own personal touch on the item when picking it out. If it is her hobby, that means she can never get enough of it, so getting her a gift that will fit right in with what she loves is a great idea to ensure she will like what you got her.

7) BATH AND BODY WORKS
Anything from Bath and Body Works makes a great gift because usually everything in the store is a little too on the expensive side for people to just buy for themselves. You can even get a beautiful gift basket with everything in a scent that your best friend loves. There are lotions, bath gel, body spray, perfumes, shampoo, conditioner, the possibilities of items to pick from are endless. And every scent smells so good you can't go wrong!

8) MANICURE/PEDICURE
A gift certificate for a manicure, pedicure or both is a wonderful gift idea because there is not one girl in the entire world who wouldn't love it. You could get one for yourself as well and make a day out of going together with your best friend. Manicures and pedicures are so relaxing you will be happy you picked such a great gift, and your feet and hands will look great afterwards as well!

9) TICKETS
Does your best friend love music? If so, concert tickets make a great gift idea because you will get to spend time with your best friend while doing something you both love. If music isn't really her "thing," tickets to an amusement park, art gallery, zoo, movie, or anywhere else she likes to go would make a great gift, and the fact that she doesn't have to pay for it just makes it even better.

10) SOMETHING YOU WOULD LOVE TOO
If none of these ideas seem like something your best friend would go for, just think of what you would love for her to get you. Because you are best friends, you more than likely see eye to eye on many things such as what you would like to receive as a gift. Also if you get her something that you like as well, you will both be able to enjoy it!


12.02.2009

You Learn.




I have learned that I need to be more careful about what I blog.
I have learned that some people don't know how to be sensitive towards my feelings.
I have learned that, no matter who it is, every friend will fail me.
I have learned how to silence the noise.
I have learned that music has the ability to heal, although Jesus is the Ultimate Healer.
I have learned that God is the only one who is always there for me.
I have learned that most guys really don't care about my feelings or emotions.
I have learned to never go back there again.
I have learned to use the 'delete contact' button on my phone.
I have learned that no matter how hard you try to walk away from something, they will always be there to pull you back in.
I have learned what a blog is:

blog

-n
an online diary; a personal chronological log of thoughts published on a Web page

I have learned that some people don't appreciate that I write what I feel.
I have learned to grow up about some things.
I have learned that true friends will let me text them at late hours in the night.
I have learned to finally speak up.
I have learned to finally stand up for myself.
I have learned that people will lie.
I have learned that crying when you're trying to sleep sucks.
I have learned that I apologize for stuff that's not my fault.
I have learned that the three words "I LOVE YOU" mean different to some people.
I have learned that I should trust my instincts on my big decisions more often.
I have learned to listen to my best friend and to take her advice.
I have learned that I am beautiful, and even if I have self-esteem issues, I don't need to "do something about it" by working out.
I have learned that I love some people who will never love me back.
I have learned more in these past two weeks then I have ever learned before.
I have learned that I am me.



12.01.2009

Complete and Total Adoration.



I remember what you wore on that first day. You came into my life and I thought Hey, you know this could be something. Everything you do and words you say, you know that it all takes my breath away and now I’m left with nothing.

My gift to you, my heart was yours. In ten weeks you shaped it, in one night you murdered it. Torn from my chest and laid at your feet, that first step you took was the worst. Since then you’ve walked a thousand miles in silence and short remarks. I still have these memories, but we’ll never see what we could’ve been.

Remember when we talked about where we’d be a year from now? Remember when you held my hand like you’d never let it go? Remember, because that’s all you can do. We’ll never make another memory. We’ll never make another memory.

It hurts my soul because I can’t let go. All these walls are caving in. I can’t stop my suffering. I hate to show that I’ve lost control because I keep going right back to the one thing that I need to walk away from. I’m about to break. I can’t stop this ache. I’m addicted to your allure and I’m feeding for a cure. Every step I take leads to one mistake. I keep going right back to the one thing that I need to walk away from. I can’t mend this sore state I’m in. Getting nothing in return, what did I do to deserve the pain of this slow burn? Every where I turn, I keep going right back to the one thing that I need to walk away from.

I wish I would’ve died in your arms the last night we were together, so I wouldn’t have to wake without you today. This time I thought things we’re real; you said they were. What happened? You were a priority, was I an option? I let you see a side of me that I don’t share with anyone. Promises are just words unless they are fulfilled. I knew from the beginning all I had to offer you was my heart. I’m sorry that wasn’t enough.

And this will be the first time in a week that I’ll talk to you, and I can’t speak. It’s been three whole days since I’ve had sleep. I got the point that I should leave you alone, but we both know that I’m not that strong. I miss the lips that made me fly.

I don’t know what to do. My heart has been bruised. So sad, but it’s true. Each beat reminds me of you. I should’ve known that I was used for amusement. I couldn’t see through the smoke. It was all an illusion. Now I’ve been licking my wounds, but the venom seeps deeper.

[[I guess that I can live
without you
but,
without you
I'll be
miserable at best.]]

So we’ll go our own ways, and hopefully you will remember the things I’ve told you. Hopefully you’ll understand that everything I said was in sincerity. A broken heart is not what I wanted from this, but I guess I’ve learned from it. But aren’t you supposed to learn from your mistakes? I don’t consider this a mistake;
I just wish the story didn’t end this way ‘cause

 I’m still [in love] with the person who helped me write it.


{SONGS USED}
Two Is Better Than One by Boys Like Girls ft. Taylor Swift
A Year From Now by Across Five Aprils
Walk Away by Christina Aguilera
Miserable At Best by Mayday Parade

11.24.2009

Friendship Is A Sheltering Tree



image: Sillhouette of the Tree by capsicum


Friendship is a sheltering tree
Defending life from adversity.
She holds us together
When the winds arrive strong,
And shields us from rain
When the storms come along.

The seasons may come and go
And beat with sleet or snow,
But the tree is guarding
With her branches in mid air,
Ready to envelope us, for her
Protection is always there.

She blossoms and blooms
And releases pleasant fumes.
Her veins tunnel deep into
The wholesome earth’s clay
And can withstand the beating
And thrashing on any given day.

I have discovered about this tree
That she is what covers you and me.
I can so proudly declare
That I completely agree
That this friendship between us
Is a sheltering tree.

[[written by: Koree Dickson]]

Cat and Mouse.



image: Imagine the Comfort by Lujzi

Softly we tremble tonight,
Picture perfect fading smiles are all that's left in sight.
I said I'd never leave and you'll never change.
I'm not satisfied with where I'm at in life.

Am I supposed to be happy?
When all I ever wanted, it comes with a price.
Am I supposed to be happy?
When all I ever wanted, it comes with a price.
You said, you said that you would die for me...

We made plans to grow old,
Believe me there was truth in all those stories that I told.
Lost in a simple game of cat and mouse.
Are we the same people as before this came to light?


Am I supposed to be happy?
When all I ever wanted, it comes with a price.
Am I supposed to be happy?
When all I ever wanted, it comes with a price.
You said, you said that you would die for me...


You must live for me too....
For me too...
You said that you would die for me...


Am I supposed to be happy?
If all I ever wanted, it comes with a price.
Am I supposed to be happy?
When all I ever wanted, it comes with a price.
You said, you said that you would die for me...

{Cat and Mouse by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus}


11.18.2009

God, please hold me.


[[Help, I have done it again. I have been here many times before. Hurt myself again today, and the worst part is there's no one else to blame. Be my friend. Hold me, wrap me up. Unfold me. I am small. I'm needy. Warm me up and breathe me. Ouch, I have lost myself again. Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found, yeah I think that I might break. I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe. Be my friend. Hold me, wrap me up. Unfold me. I am small. I'm needy. Warm me up and breathe me. Be my friend. Hold me, wrap me up. Unfold me. I am small. I'm needy. Warm me up and breathe me.]]


I laid there in bed. Trying to release the pain. Trying to release the hurt. Trying to find someone, something to take it away from me. The times that I need a friend the most, it seems like there's no one there. 123 numbers in my phone, and yet, I couldn't call any of them.

[[I simply closed my wet eyes and said "God, please hold me."]]

I curled my body up, rested my head tight on my pillow, and pulled the covers up over my face. God heard me. Suddenly I felt like I was being held. A friend came to me in a time of need. I felt comfortable and heard "everything will be alright. Everything. WILL be alright."

I had totally screwed up. I had done something that I knew I shouldn't have done. I had allowed myself to get involved with something that I knew from the very start wasn't something I needed to get into. I was left with pain. I was left with hurt. I was left feeling lonely and scared.

I hate when your trying to sleep but you can't stop crying. I kept having to wipe my cheeks from the salty tears that ran down as if they were trying to escape a flood that was locking itself in.

I kept telling myself...
Give it up. Move on. Get over it as fast as you can. Stop crying.
But I couldn't... I still can't.

This is something that I wanted. I wanted all of this to be over. And when I finally got what I wanted, I was left feeling worse. I was left feeling dull and brittle and broken.



image: Breathe Me by duvaksizgelin


Undiscovered.


Take it back, take it all back now, the things I gave. I can't try any harder than I do. All the reasons I gave, excuses I made for you. I'm broken in two.

[[All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder
I need you
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me waiting and left to wonder
I need you
Yeah I need you
Don't walk away]]

Touch me now how I wanna feel something so real, please remind me, my love, and take me back.
Because I'm so in love with what we were. I'm not breathing, I'm suffocating without you. Do u feel it too?

[[All the things left undiscovered
Leave me waiting and left to wonder
I need you
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder
I need you
Yeah I need you]]

When I'm in the dark and all alone, dreaming that you'll walk right through my door, it's then I know my heart is whole. There's a million reasons why I cry. Hold my covers tight and close my eyes, because I don't want to be alone.

[[All the things left undiscovered
Leave me waiting and left to wonder
I need you
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder
I need you, I need you]]

Because I can't fake and I can't hate, but it's my heart that's about to break. You're all I need. I'm on my knees. Watch me bleed. Would you listen please? I give in. I breathe out. I want you, there's no doubt. I freak out, I'm left out. Without you, I'm without. I'm crossed out. I'm kicked out. I cry out. I reach out.

Don't walk away.

11.13.2009

A True Friend.

friend
-noun
1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter.

[[Photo courtesy of Elise Abigail. To check out her photography, CLICK HERE ]]

I've been going through some unnecessary drama lately [isn't all drama unnecessary? ugh] and I've learned to lean not only on God, but on someone else who is close to me during this time of enclosure and darkness. I really feel like my life has been... well, darkened this past week. I've felt not myself... and if you have been reading my past entries, you might notice that.

[[I remember when I was in 5th grade. I was best friends with a girl named Kasha. We did everything together: school talent show, slumber parties, played together during recess [my life was BIG in 5th grade haha]. I remember discussing with her how things would be changing when we went to middle school together. What a difference we thought it was going to be... and we ended up being right. We discussed getting lockers side-by-side, trying to get our class schedules in sync, and riding the bus home to each other's houses after school on Fridays. I thought this was going to be the most amazing change in my life yet. I was terribly wrong.

The first day of 6th grade was when I realized that I had lost Kasha. She had new friends... a new clique. She ignored me the whole day. She continued to ignore me that week, and sadly, she ignored me until my sophomore year in high school. We drifted apart, and ever since that loss of friendship I've always assumed that every friend that I allow to get close to me will eventually walk a different path out of my life. I've been right. Throughout junior high I became close to many friends, who of which became 'druggies' in high school. I lost them. In high school I became close with another girl, who ended up moving away.]]

I've always seen friendship as something... temporary. Not permanent.That was until I read the definition of what a FRIEND really is. Did you catch the definition? Did you see it? The key word here is ATTACHED. ATTACHED. What is the definition of attached?

attached
-adjective
1. joined; connected; bound.

The girl I would consider to be my best friend right now, will always be my best friend. I know it. We are joined... connected... bound. Just like friends should be. I realize now why this friendship is different, why it's so genuine.

[[I allowed God to bring us together.]]

When I transitioned from public school to homeschool, I had to let God become in control of my relationships, because I no longer had any. I allowed God to step in and bring me someone perfect to be there for me when times got/get tough. This week has been the roughest week for me. I've been emotionally drained. I've been emotionally attacked. I've been emotionally dead. God used Cristianne Bryant in my life, and still is using her, to bring me back to who I really am. She brings out the best in me, not the worse. I love her so much, and I thank God for bringing me someone so amazing. He knows me best and I thank Him for that.

[[Thank you, Jesus, for bringing me such an amazing gift. I don't know where I would be without her and I am so thankful to have a friendship that I know is TRULY GENUINE. Thank you for allowing me to lean on you during these times that I feel alone, and showing me that I'm not alone in my troubles. And thank you again, for allowing Cristianne to be in my life to smack me across the face when I need it. :) ]]



11.12.2009

Haunted.

You're not alone. Together we stand. I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand. When it gets cold, and it feels like the end. There's no place to go, you know I won't give in. No, I won't give in. I want to believe you when you tell me that it'll be okay. I try to believe you, but I don't. Well, I never want to see you unhappy, I thought you'd want the same for me.

[[And the tears come streaming down my face. When I lose something that I can't replace. When I loved someone, but it goes to waste. Could it be worse? And I think of you whenever life gets me down. I think of you whenever you're not around. And you rest your bones somewhere far from my house, but you still pull me home.]]

Time is going to take my mind and carry it far away where I can fly. The depth of life will dim my temptation to live for you. If I were to be alone silence would rock my tears because it's all about love and I know better. So I put my arms around you and I know that I'll be leaving soon. My eyes are on you and you see that I can't stop shaking.

[[You touched my heart, you touched my soul. You changed my life and all my goals. Love is blind and that I knew when my heart was blinded for you. And now that I'm stronger I have figured out how this world turns cold and breaks through my soul. I know, I can find it deep inside me.]]

Every time I try to fly I fall. Without my wings I feel so small. So now you're gone and I'm haunted.
And I bet you are just fine.

[[Maybe I'm just living out the same old stories in and out. Time will fly away with me if truth don't stop and let me see. I'm drowning. It's funny how the times that seem unbearable are the ones that you don't ever want to end.]]

{Songs Used}
Keep Holding On by Avril Lavigne
Tomorrow by Avril Lavigne
Fix You by Coldplay
Think of You by A Fine Frenzy
Dancing by Elisa
Goodbye My Lover by James Blunt
Your Guardian Angel by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Everytime by Britney Spears
Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy
Drowning by Missy Higgins

11.11.2009

So Hollow

DANGIT. DANGIT. DANGIT.         
 I always screw it up. It's always me. I always do something and then what I love is lost. I've been wearing this mask to hide what I'm so scared of revealing. It's time this mask be ripped off. But it's not going to be me who rips it off. It's going to be the person who I thought I loved. I just want to sit behind this mask. I told him I wanted to hide.




[[I'm so hollow. I feel abused. I gave so much. I gave things I have never given anyone else. I just want to leave and after such a short time you think it would be easy, but it's not. I'm so attached, so addicted, so needy, so... in love.]]

The clouds crawl out of the sky as the rays shoot its bullets our from under the puffs on the clouds. I see the sun. I see the light. I suddenly have strength that I did not have before. I suddenly feel powerful enough to release this burden. I suddenly feel okay. I know that all this input and time that I've given will be lost and forgotten, but the lesson will always be learned. The lesson to plant my feet before I jump. The lesson to breathe and think before I jump. The lesson to close my eyes before I jump. The lesson that when I jump, I am jumping into something that I have jumped into before. I know where it will take me. I know that I will only end up drowning and gasping for breath. I will only end up swallowing empty water that will only choke me... kill me.

11.09.2009

Into The Wild



<<So I've seen Into The Wild three times now. It is such an amazing movie. I cried my eyes out all three times. There were a few quotes that really sparked me in the movie, so I'm going to share them with the rest of you who haven't seen the movie. Please take these quotes in... let them SINK into your skin... into your being.>>






[[Christopher McCandless: I read somewhere... how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong... but to feel strong.


Christopher McCandless: I'm going to paraphrase Thoreau here... rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness... give me truth.


Christopher McCandless: Some people feel like they don't deserve love. They walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past.


Christopher McCandless: I'm Supertramp. [looks at apple] and you're super apple!


Christopher McCandless: What if I were smiling and running into your arms? Would you see then what I see now?


Ranger Steve Koehler: Next available is May 17, 2003.
Christopher McCandless: 12 years? Twelve years - to paddle down a river?


Christopher McCandless: [written into book] Happiness only real when shared. ]]

This movie is so touching, eye-opening, uplifting, and inspiring. If you haven't seen it yet, you really should rent it. I would not even hesitate telling you to buy this movie. It really will change your perspective on life and where you are headed. This movie is based off of a true story, and also a book. Please take the time to read or watch this amazing story. To see the trailer, click here.

11.03.2009

BE HAPPY. BE HAPPY. BE HAPPY.

I'm not satisfied. I feel like I can't just live my life- like I have all these things that are holding me back from being happy. It's like I can't just be happy. There's always something that happens that throws my life for a loop. I don't know how to fix it, then when I do something else comes along and takes away my joy. Ugh. I hate that I'm this way. I wish that I could just... BE HAPPY. Maybe if I tell myself twenty times over to BE HAPPY maybe I will be.


Everyday it's something different. Something someone says, something someone doesn't say, something that happens to me that causes me to freak out. For instance: I found out today that I won't have my phone in two days because I don't have enough money to put on it. (PREPAID) I don't know how long I won't have my phone... up to 12 days... I don't know what to do. It's one of those things that I shouldn't be upset about. I lived most my life with out a phone. I should know how to hold friendships and relationships without one. I'm just so use to having an immediate communication with someone. It's so easy- so simple. Yet, so costly.


I wish that I could be fine with knowing that I could not have my phone for almost two weeks. I can do it... right? The dramatic girl in me starts freaking out... starts wondering what my friendships will be like without it. It shouldn't matter.


I can't stand being like this. I HATE IT. I HATE IT. I HATE IT.
____________________________________________________________________________________


This morning I was looking in the mirror and thought to myself, "I wonder how long I could go without eating any food." I think I may try this, but with limits of course. Either way it just doesn't sound good. It sounded a lot better in my head then when I just typed it. I'm not going to die of starvation, or anything. But I was just thinking how much weight people lose when they are sick and they don't eat. Within 3 days they've lost a lot of weight. I was just wondering what it would be like to do that.


I just read that over. That totally does NOT sound like me. What am I doing? WHAT AM I DOING?


I feel like I'm losing my grip on myself. STOP IT. STOP IT. STOP IT!

10.27.2009

Feel the Light.

Today, today you wanna run away now. You break, try to keep it together. Love, love is all you need. You're a queen, but you never knew it. Life has come and left you blinded, stole your smile and left you crying. It's not your fault, shame is all you've got now. Your heart's tangled up in silence. It's time to let go and feel the light. I know it's easier to hide, but you gotta let go and feel the light. Let go and feel the light. Brave, be brave. The water's all around you. I'll stay, I'll keep you from sinking down. Love is on your side. It's stronger than you'll ever know. So many years of quiet building up like a fire inside. You're feeling like you gotta let it out now. Just let it out. Your heart's tangled up in silence. It's time to let go and feel the light. I know it's easier to hide, but you gotta let go and feel the light. Let go and feel the light. How did you get here? You're locked inside of all this fear. Inside you're crying out. Your mind's a war. Get out and live for more. There's so much more. Live for more. Your heart's tangled up in silence. It's time to let go and feel the light. I know it's easier to hide, but you gotta let go and feel the light. Let go and feel the light. Brave, be brave. The water's all around you. I'll stay. I'll keep you from sinking down. -Britt Nicole, "Feel The Light"

Lord, please stay. Please keep me from sinking down. I feel like I just need to release this to you and let you control it. You say "Lay it at my feet." That's what I'm doing. I'm on my knees, broken. Broken. That's where I'm complete. I'm complete when you take my burdens and tell me to go in peace. Take my burdens, Jesus.

10.22.2009

This Shell

What have I become? Where have I gone?
I’ve gone further away from you
But yet I feel as if I’ve been snatched tighter into you
Each and every time I’m here again
I know it’s because of my own error
My own desires and wants have
Brought me back to the place
I swore I would never be again.

This person, this being that I have morphed into
Has taken over this skin, this shell
I’m locked into
This shell that you have placed me in
For some reason unknown to myself

Where am I?
Why do I feel lost in this forest of deception
And shadows that I knew I was being
Lead into?
I knew from the start that this
Was going to be hard
But I never knew it to be this difficult
And it makes me uneasy and worn
Knowing that I went into this
With that in mind.

I knew from the instant I let
Myself in that this was not something
That I wanted, but something I needed.
I needed this.
I needed it for my personal gain and selfish
And maybe wrong desires.

Where are we?
Where are we going?
I don’t want to hear ‘I don’t know’ again.
I have heard that too many times.
I have heard those three words over and over,
As if they were on repeat.

Why did I allow this to go on like it has been?
Why did I allow myself to get deeper into
Something that I knew I wouldn’t be able
To dig myself out of?

I need to get out. I need to liberate myself
From this snare that I have grown weary
Trying to free myself from.

This individual, this unknown being that
I claim to be me is someone I would’ve
Ran far away from a year ago.
This person is new to me, like a
Freshly-cut wound. I don’t know who
She is and why she is allowing these
Things to happen to her. She is deceiving herself
Into thinking that she really is cherished. That this
Object she is feeding really truly loves her.
I’m not so certain about that.

There’s no space to inhale in this dwelling
That has locked its doors on me.
Yet I feel safe and wanted here.
I feel controlled, and that is what this
Girl needs the most.
This girl, this girl you claim to know and adore,
Needs to be here.

Every time I feel threatened by the chaos
And the confusion of this world
Somehow you make it all better.
You make it easy for once.
Easy to breathe.
Easy to know that there’s someone there.
There’s someone there whispering that
It’s going to be all right.
That you’re here to love me.
You’re here to treat me when I feel
Ill or troubled.

Please be there for me when I need you.
I need you now, not yesterday, not tomorrow, but now.
I don’t have time to linger or hope
That you will show up. I can’t wait for the rain.
I need to be drenched.
Please rain on me.
That’s why you are here, right?
Please show up. I need you.
I love you.
I can’t take it when I’m not with you.
I need to know that you believe the same.
I need to know what you are feeling
And if we can do this as one.
Because I can’t do this alone
And that’s what I feel like is going to
End up happening.

9.10.2009

Hurt.

My body hurts today. It's not a physical hurt, though. It's somewhere within me. I can feel the tension beaming in my wrists and the hurt running down my legs, and into my toes.
I don't know what's wrong with me, but I don't like feeling this way.


I feel like my life's been on repeat these past couple weeks. Even though I could make a list of things that have recently happened in my life, I feel like I'm living the same life over and over every morning when I awake.
I feel so dramatic feeling like this, but I don't know how to describe it any different way.

9.08.2009

That Edge.

I had a dream last night and it describes exactly how I've been feeling lately.
I was on a boat that I didn't want to get on, but for some reason was. I kept trying to get back to my room, but couldn't remember the number or the hallway it resided in. I was looking for someone, but wasn't sure who it was. I kept telling myself that I needed to get off the boat, but knew deep down inside that there was no way of returning. I felt like diving into that dark blue deepness, but never drew up the courage or the insanity. I remember running up and down the halls; halls that looked like the replica of the one before it. I didn't know where I was going, or where I was headed. All I knew is that I wanted out.


"It was just a dream, Koree... just a dream..."
Yet I realized that it wasn't. Even though I could attempt to calm myself down, I couldn't help but feel hopeless and lost.
I realized that the waves of insanity were... are calling me. The echos of the deep are pulling me into them. The thin air is begging for me to jump through it. The night is growing around me thick, as if pushing me closer and closer to that edge.
I jump.