10.22.2009

This Shell

What have I become? Where have I gone?
I’ve gone further away from you
But yet I feel as if I’ve been snatched tighter into you
Each and every time I’m here again
I know it’s because of my own error
My own desires and wants have
Brought me back to the place
I swore I would never be again.

This person, this being that I have morphed into
Has taken over this skin, this shell
I’m locked into
This shell that you have placed me in
For some reason unknown to myself

Where am I?
Why do I feel lost in this forest of deception
And shadows that I knew I was being
Lead into?
I knew from the start that this
Was going to be hard
But I never knew it to be this difficult
And it makes me uneasy and worn
Knowing that I went into this
With that in mind.

I knew from the instant I let
Myself in that this was not something
That I wanted, but something I needed.
I needed this.
I needed it for my personal gain and selfish
And maybe wrong desires.

Where are we?
Where are we going?
I don’t want to hear ‘I don’t know’ again.
I have heard that too many times.
I have heard those three words over and over,
As if they were on repeat.

Why did I allow this to go on like it has been?
Why did I allow myself to get deeper into
Something that I knew I wouldn’t be able
To dig myself out of?

I need to get out. I need to liberate myself
From this snare that I have grown weary
Trying to free myself from.

This individual, this unknown being that
I claim to be me is someone I would’ve
Ran far away from a year ago.
This person is new to me, like a
Freshly-cut wound. I don’t know who
She is and why she is allowing these
Things to happen to her. She is deceiving herself
Into thinking that she really is cherished. That this
Object she is feeding really truly loves her.
I’m not so certain about that.

There’s no space to inhale in this dwelling
That has locked its doors on me.
Yet I feel safe and wanted here.
I feel controlled, and that is what this
Girl needs the most.
This girl, this girl you claim to know and adore,
Needs to be here.

Every time I feel threatened by the chaos
And the confusion of this world
Somehow you make it all better.
You make it easy for once.
Easy to breathe.
Easy to know that there’s someone there.
There’s someone there whispering that
It’s going to be all right.
That you’re here to love me.
You’re here to treat me when I feel
Ill or troubled.

Please be there for me when I need you.
I need you now, not yesterday, not tomorrow, but now.
I don’t have time to linger or hope
That you will show up. I can’t wait for the rain.
I need to be drenched.
Please rain on me.
That’s why you are here, right?
Please show up. I need you.
I love you.
I can’t take it when I’m not with you.
I need to know that you believe the same.
I need to know what you are feeling
And if we can do this as one.
Because I can’t do this alone
And that’s what I feel like is going to
End up happening.

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