11.18.2009

God, please hold me.


[[Help, I have done it again. I have been here many times before. Hurt myself again today, and the worst part is there's no one else to blame. Be my friend. Hold me, wrap me up. Unfold me. I am small. I'm needy. Warm me up and breathe me. Ouch, I have lost myself again. Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found, yeah I think that I might break. I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe. Be my friend. Hold me, wrap me up. Unfold me. I am small. I'm needy. Warm me up and breathe me. Be my friend. Hold me, wrap me up. Unfold me. I am small. I'm needy. Warm me up and breathe me.]]


I laid there in bed. Trying to release the pain. Trying to release the hurt. Trying to find someone, something to take it away from me. The times that I need a friend the most, it seems like there's no one there. 123 numbers in my phone, and yet, I couldn't call any of them.

[[I simply closed my wet eyes and said "God, please hold me."]]

I curled my body up, rested my head tight on my pillow, and pulled the covers up over my face. God heard me. Suddenly I felt like I was being held. A friend came to me in a time of need. I felt comfortable and heard "everything will be alright. Everything. WILL be alright."

I had totally screwed up. I had done something that I knew I shouldn't have done. I had allowed myself to get involved with something that I knew from the very start wasn't something I needed to get into. I was left with pain. I was left with hurt. I was left feeling lonely and scared.

I hate when your trying to sleep but you can't stop crying. I kept having to wipe my cheeks from the salty tears that ran down as if they were trying to escape a flood that was locking itself in.

I kept telling myself...
Give it up. Move on. Get over it as fast as you can. Stop crying.
But I couldn't... I still can't.

This is something that I wanted. I wanted all of this to be over. And when I finally got what I wanted, I was left feeling worse. I was left feeling dull and brittle and broken.



image: Breathe Me by duvaksizgelin


No comments: