11.03.2009

BE HAPPY. BE HAPPY. BE HAPPY.

I'm not satisfied. I feel like I can't just live my life- like I have all these things that are holding me back from being happy. It's like I can't just be happy. There's always something that happens that throws my life for a loop. I don't know how to fix it, then when I do something else comes along and takes away my joy. Ugh. I hate that I'm this way. I wish that I could just... BE HAPPY. Maybe if I tell myself twenty times over to BE HAPPY maybe I will be.


Everyday it's something different. Something someone says, something someone doesn't say, something that happens to me that causes me to freak out. For instance: I found out today that I won't have my phone in two days because I don't have enough money to put on it. (PREPAID) I don't know how long I won't have my phone... up to 12 days... I don't know what to do. It's one of those things that I shouldn't be upset about. I lived most my life with out a phone. I should know how to hold friendships and relationships without one. I'm just so use to having an immediate communication with someone. It's so easy- so simple. Yet, so costly.


I wish that I could be fine with knowing that I could not have my phone for almost two weeks. I can do it... right? The dramatic girl in me starts freaking out... starts wondering what my friendships will be like without it. It shouldn't matter.


I can't stand being like this. I HATE IT. I HATE IT. I HATE IT.
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This morning I was looking in the mirror and thought to myself, "I wonder how long I could go without eating any food." I think I may try this, but with limits of course. Either way it just doesn't sound good. It sounded a lot better in my head then when I just typed it. I'm not going to die of starvation, or anything. But I was just thinking how much weight people lose when they are sick and they don't eat. Within 3 days they've lost a lot of weight. I was just wondering what it would be like to do that.


I just read that over. That totally does NOT sound like me. What am I doing? WHAT AM I DOING?


I feel like I'm losing my grip on myself. STOP IT. STOP IT. STOP IT!

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