11.24.2009

Friendship Is A Sheltering Tree



image: Sillhouette of the Tree by capsicum


Friendship is a sheltering tree
Defending life from adversity.
She holds us together
When the winds arrive strong,
And shields us from rain
When the storms come along.

The seasons may come and go
And beat with sleet or snow,
But the tree is guarding
With her branches in mid air,
Ready to envelope us, for her
Protection is always there.

She blossoms and blooms
And releases pleasant fumes.
Her veins tunnel deep into
The wholesome earth’s clay
And can withstand the beating
And thrashing on any given day.

I have discovered about this tree
That she is what covers you and me.
I can so proudly declare
That I completely agree
That this friendship between us
Is a sheltering tree.

[[written by: Koree Dickson]]

Cat and Mouse.



image: Imagine the Comfort by Lujzi

Softly we tremble tonight,
Picture perfect fading smiles are all that's left in sight.
I said I'd never leave and you'll never change.
I'm not satisfied with where I'm at in life.

Am I supposed to be happy?
When all I ever wanted, it comes with a price.
Am I supposed to be happy?
When all I ever wanted, it comes with a price.
You said, you said that you would die for me...

We made plans to grow old,
Believe me there was truth in all those stories that I told.
Lost in a simple game of cat and mouse.
Are we the same people as before this came to light?


Am I supposed to be happy?
When all I ever wanted, it comes with a price.
Am I supposed to be happy?
When all I ever wanted, it comes with a price.
You said, you said that you would die for me...


You must live for me too....
For me too...
You said that you would die for me...


Am I supposed to be happy?
If all I ever wanted, it comes with a price.
Am I supposed to be happy?
When all I ever wanted, it comes with a price.
You said, you said that you would die for me...

{Cat and Mouse by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus}


11.18.2009

God, please hold me.


[[Help, I have done it again. I have been here many times before. Hurt myself again today, and the worst part is there's no one else to blame. Be my friend. Hold me, wrap me up. Unfold me. I am small. I'm needy. Warm me up and breathe me. Ouch, I have lost myself again. Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found, yeah I think that I might break. I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe. Be my friend. Hold me, wrap me up. Unfold me. I am small. I'm needy. Warm me up and breathe me. Be my friend. Hold me, wrap me up. Unfold me. I am small. I'm needy. Warm me up and breathe me.]]


I laid there in bed. Trying to release the pain. Trying to release the hurt. Trying to find someone, something to take it away from me. The times that I need a friend the most, it seems like there's no one there. 123 numbers in my phone, and yet, I couldn't call any of them.

[[I simply closed my wet eyes and said "God, please hold me."]]

I curled my body up, rested my head tight on my pillow, and pulled the covers up over my face. God heard me. Suddenly I felt like I was being held. A friend came to me in a time of need. I felt comfortable and heard "everything will be alright. Everything. WILL be alright."

I had totally screwed up. I had done something that I knew I shouldn't have done. I had allowed myself to get involved with something that I knew from the very start wasn't something I needed to get into. I was left with pain. I was left with hurt. I was left feeling lonely and scared.

I hate when your trying to sleep but you can't stop crying. I kept having to wipe my cheeks from the salty tears that ran down as if they were trying to escape a flood that was locking itself in.

I kept telling myself...
Give it up. Move on. Get over it as fast as you can. Stop crying.
But I couldn't... I still can't.

This is something that I wanted. I wanted all of this to be over. And when I finally got what I wanted, I was left feeling worse. I was left feeling dull and brittle and broken.



image: Breathe Me by duvaksizgelin


Undiscovered.


Take it back, take it all back now, the things I gave. I can't try any harder than I do. All the reasons I gave, excuses I made for you. I'm broken in two.

[[All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder
I need you
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me waiting and left to wonder
I need you
Yeah I need you
Don't walk away]]

Touch me now how I wanna feel something so real, please remind me, my love, and take me back.
Because I'm so in love with what we were. I'm not breathing, I'm suffocating without you. Do u feel it too?

[[All the things left undiscovered
Leave me waiting and left to wonder
I need you
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder
I need you
Yeah I need you]]

When I'm in the dark and all alone, dreaming that you'll walk right through my door, it's then I know my heart is whole. There's a million reasons why I cry. Hold my covers tight and close my eyes, because I don't want to be alone.

[[All the things left undiscovered
Leave me waiting and left to wonder
I need you
All the things left undiscovered
Leave me empty and left to wonder
I need you, I need you]]

Because I can't fake and I can't hate, but it's my heart that's about to break. You're all I need. I'm on my knees. Watch me bleed. Would you listen please? I give in. I breathe out. I want you, there's no doubt. I freak out, I'm left out. Without you, I'm without. I'm crossed out. I'm kicked out. I cry out. I reach out.

Don't walk away.

11.13.2009

A True Friend.

friend
-noun
1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter.

[[Photo courtesy of Elise Abigail. To check out her photography, CLICK HERE ]]

I've been going through some unnecessary drama lately [isn't all drama unnecessary? ugh] and I've learned to lean not only on God, but on someone else who is close to me during this time of enclosure and darkness. I really feel like my life has been... well, darkened this past week. I've felt not myself... and if you have been reading my past entries, you might notice that.

[[I remember when I was in 5th grade. I was best friends with a girl named Kasha. We did everything together: school talent show, slumber parties, played together during recess [my life was BIG in 5th grade haha]. I remember discussing with her how things would be changing when we went to middle school together. What a difference we thought it was going to be... and we ended up being right. We discussed getting lockers side-by-side, trying to get our class schedules in sync, and riding the bus home to each other's houses after school on Fridays. I thought this was going to be the most amazing change in my life yet. I was terribly wrong.

The first day of 6th grade was when I realized that I had lost Kasha. She had new friends... a new clique. She ignored me the whole day. She continued to ignore me that week, and sadly, she ignored me until my sophomore year in high school. We drifted apart, and ever since that loss of friendship I've always assumed that every friend that I allow to get close to me will eventually walk a different path out of my life. I've been right. Throughout junior high I became close to many friends, who of which became 'druggies' in high school. I lost them. In high school I became close with another girl, who ended up moving away.]]

I've always seen friendship as something... temporary. Not permanent.That was until I read the definition of what a FRIEND really is. Did you catch the definition? Did you see it? The key word here is ATTACHED. ATTACHED. What is the definition of attached?

attached
-adjective
1. joined; connected; bound.

The girl I would consider to be my best friend right now, will always be my best friend. I know it. We are joined... connected... bound. Just like friends should be. I realize now why this friendship is different, why it's so genuine.

[[I allowed God to bring us together.]]

When I transitioned from public school to homeschool, I had to let God become in control of my relationships, because I no longer had any. I allowed God to step in and bring me someone perfect to be there for me when times got/get tough. This week has been the roughest week for me. I've been emotionally drained. I've been emotionally attacked. I've been emotionally dead. God used Cristianne Bryant in my life, and still is using her, to bring me back to who I really am. She brings out the best in me, not the worse. I love her so much, and I thank God for bringing me someone so amazing. He knows me best and I thank Him for that.

[[Thank you, Jesus, for bringing me such an amazing gift. I don't know where I would be without her and I am so thankful to have a friendship that I know is TRULY GENUINE. Thank you for allowing me to lean on you during these times that I feel alone, and showing me that I'm not alone in my troubles. And thank you again, for allowing Cristianne to be in my life to smack me across the face when I need it. :) ]]



11.12.2009

Haunted.

You're not alone. Together we stand. I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand. When it gets cold, and it feels like the end. There's no place to go, you know I won't give in. No, I won't give in. I want to believe you when you tell me that it'll be okay. I try to believe you, but I don't. Well, I never want to see you unhappy, I thought you'd want the same for me.

[[And the tears come streaming down my face. When I lose something that I can't replace. When I loved someone, but it goes to waste. Could it be worse? And I think of you whenever life gets me down. I think of you whenever you're not around. And you rest your bones somewhere far from my house, but you still pull me home.]]

Time is going to take my mind and carry it far away where I can fly. The depth of life will dim my temptation to live for you. If I were to be alone silence would rock my tears because it's all about love and I know better. So I put my arms around you and I know that I'll be leaving soon. My eyes are on you and you see that I can't stop shaking.

[[You touched my heart, you touched my soul. You changed my life and all my goals. Love is blind and that I knew when my heart was blinded for you. And now that I'm stronger I have figured out how this world turns cold and breaks through my soul. I know, I can find it deep inside me.]]

Every time I try to fly I fall. Without my wings I feel so small. So now you're gone and I'm haunted.
And I bet you are just fine.

[[Maybe I'm just living out the same old stories in and out. Time will fly away with me if truth don't stop and let me see. I'm drowning. It's funny how the times that seem unbearable are the ones that you don't ever want to end.]]

{Songs Used}
Keep Holding On by Avril Lavigne
Tomorrow by Avril Lavigne
Fix You by Coldplay
Think of You by A Fine Frenzy
Dancing by Elisa
Goodbye My Lover by James Blunt
Your Guardian Angel by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Everytime by Britney Spears
Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy
Drowning by Missy Higgins

11.11.2009

So Hollow

DANGIT. DANGIT. DANGIT.         
 I always screw it up. It's always me. I always do something and then what I love is lost. I've been wearing this mask to hide what I'm so scared of revealing. It's time this mask be ripped off. But it's not going to be me who rips it off. It's going to be the person who I thought I loved. I just want to sit behind this mask. I told him I wanted to hide.




[[I'm so hollow. I feel abused. I gave so much. I gave things I have never given anyone else. I just want to leave and after such a short time you think it would be easy, but it's not. I'm so attached, so addicted, so needy, so... in love.]]

The clouds crawl out of the sky as the rays shoot its bullets our from under the puffs on the clouds. I see the sun. I see the light. I suddenly have strength that I did not have before. I suddenly feel powerful enough to release this burden. I suddenly feel okay. I know that all this input and time that I've given will be lost and forgotten, but the lesson will always be learned. The lesson to plant my feet before I jump. The lesson to breathe and think before I jump. The lesson to close my eyes before I jump. The lesson that when I jump, I am jumping into something that I have jumped into before. I know where it will take me. I know that I will only end up drowning and gasping for breath. I will only end up swallowing empty water that will only choke me... kill me.

11.09.2009

Into The Wild



<<So I've seen Into The Wild three times now. It is such an amazing movie. I cried my eyes out all three times. There were a few quotes that really sparked me in the movie, so I'm going to share them with the rest of you who haven't seen the movie. Please take these quotes in... let them SINK into your skin... into your being.>>






[[Christopher McCandless: I read somewhere... how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong... but to feel strong.


Christopher McCandless: I'm going to paraphrase Thoreau here... rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness... give me truth.


Christopher McCandless: Some people feel like they don't deserve love. They walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past.


Christopher McCandless: I'm Supertramp. [looks at apple] and you're super apple!


Christopher McCandless: What if I were smiling and running into your arms? Would you see then what I see now?


Ranger Steve Koehler: Next available is May 17, 2003.
Christopher McCandless: 12 years? Twelve years - to paddle down a river?


Christopher McCandless: [written into book] Happiness only real when shared. ]]

This movie is so touching, eye-opening, uplifting, and inspiring. If you haven't seen it yet, you really should rent it. I would not even hesitate telling you to buy this movie. It really will change your perspective on life and where you are headed. This movie is based off of a true story, and also a book. Please take the time to read or watch this amazing story. To see the trailer, click here.

11.03.2009

BE HAPPY. BE HAPPY. BE HAPPY.

I'm not satisfied. I feel like I can't just live my life- like I have all these things that are holding me back from being happy. It's like I can't just be happy. There's always something that happens that throws my life for a loop. I don't know how to fix it, then when I do something else comes along and takes away my joy. Ugh. I hate that I'm this way. I wish that I could just... BE HAPPY. Maybe if I tell myself twenty times over to BE HAPPY maybe I will be.


Everyday it's something different. Something someone says, something someone doesn't say, something that happens to me that causes me to freak out. For instance: I found out today that I won't have my phone in two days because I don't have enough money to put on it. (PREPAID) I don't know how long I won't have my phone... up to 12 days... I don't know what to do. It's one of those things that I shouldn't be upset about. I lived most my life with out a phone. I should know how to hold friendships and relationships without one. I'm just so use to having an immediate communication with someone. It's so easy- so simple. Yet, so costly.


I wish that I could be fine with knowing that I could not have my phone for almost two weeks. I can do it... right? The dramatic girl in me starts freaking out... starts wondering what my friendships will be like without it. It shouldn't matter.


I can't stand being like this. I HATE IT. I HATE IT. I HATE IT.
____________________________________________________________________________________


This morning I was looking in the mirror and thought to myself, "I wonder how long I could go without eating any food." I think I may try this, but with limits of course. Either way it just doesn't sound good. It sounded a lot better in my head then when I just typed it. I'm not going to die of starvation, or anything. But I was just thinking how much weight people lose when they are sick and they don't eat. Within 3 days they've lost a lot of weight. I was just wondering what it would be like to do that.


I just read that over. That totally does NOT sound like me. What am I doing? WHAT AM I DOING?


I feel like I'm losing my grip on myself. STOP IT. STOP IT. STOP IT!