1.30.2010

seasons.




[Natalie, Me, Whitney, Danielle]

I've realized today something that I needed to realize a long time ago:

[There's a season in my life for everything.]

There are some moments and memories in my life I wish I could rewind and relive. Others, not so much. The years when my brother still lived at home, I wish I could relive. High school, I am so glad I don't have to relive. Something, though, that I've been missing like crazy lately is Bible Quiz.



I never thought I would miss it as much as I do now. I figured the cramming, late-night studying, and daily schedule I wouldn't miss, and I was right. But I miss some things I thought I wouldn't...

Memorizing.
Now, some of you may think I'm totally crazy for missing memorizing, and you're probably right. But, oddly, I miss it. I miss being able to say that I knew scripture forwards and backwards (literally). Now, I don't mean this in a cocky sense, but more of a Godly-pride sense. Knowing scripture brought me closer to God. I knew a part of His Word. I was able to quote it whenever I wanted. Now, I can just as easily memorize today. I can just as easily pick up a Bible and memorize 1 Corinthians chapter 13, and because of that, I'm making it my duty this week. I am going to memorize 1 Corinthians 13, and I'll let you know in a week how that is coming.

Friendships.
I miss the friends I made in Quiz so so much. I miss my girls; Danielle, Whitney, and Natalie. Throughout the year we grew so close, led by our amazing, sweet coach, Beverly. I can not even begin to describe to you how much I miss these girls. I don't see them now as much as I should. I don't even have the words to tell you how much I miss them, therefore, this is all I can say about them. There was also a team of guys last year that were able to balance us out. It was fun traveling with them. They would always make us girls laugh, even though that wasn't their intention. Most of the time they didn't even know we were watching them, which made it that much funnier for us girls. I miss these guys. I don't see any of them at all anymore, which is a very sad thing.

Trips.
This was probably my favorite part of quiz. It allowed me to get away from home and my life here and just travel with people I enjoyed being around. Eating out for almost every meal, staying up late in the hotel rooms (even though we weren't supposed to), quizzing long hours into the day, and being crammed into a little. white van are just a few of the things I enjoyed so much about traveling. Being in those hotel rooms at night is what brought me closer to the girls that I miss now. Being crammed in that little, white van made me realize that, although traveling is quite uncomfortable, I love being on the road. I would have never went to Chicago if it wasn't for Quiz. I would have never went to Pittsburgh if it wasn't for Quiz. I would have never went to Loveland, Colorado and skiid down the Zig-Zag slope if it wasn't for Quiz. I would have never been able to see how good of a driver John Porter is if it wasn't for Quiz. (that man knows his way around a city)


But although I miss all of this and more, I've realized today that there's a season for everything. I remember when I started my last year of Quiz. I was going to quit. I started out being around people I didn't know, and didn't mesh well with. I was seriously going to quit. I didn't want to go through another whole year of Quiz being on a team of students I didn't click with. Luckily, my mom made me stick it out for the first couple months, and I'm glad she did. I met the four most amazing girls, and even though I miss them like crazy, I know that it was a season in my life. I would like to relive it, do a few things differently, and enjoy it all over again. But I can't. I can't. I will never be able to.



God sends us through certain seasons and journeys through life. We have to be ready to face them, although we're not facing them alone. There's many other people around us that are facing the exact same journey. We just need to find those people to walk it with, or else we will be lonley on our journey. So, with this said, enjoy the seasons or journeys you are in now. Right now. Whether it's high school, college, a club you're involoved in, sports, a relationship, a friendship, or even if you're in the lowest point of your life. Enjoy it, because there WILL be an end. And when that end comes, you want to be able to say you learned something on your path. I can proudly say I learned a little something:

[Never do life alone.]


one day.

amazing song. please listen to it.

1.26.2010

Take Me Back To The Start Part II

[This poem was inspired by two of
Coldplays songs that you can read here.
I wrote it last night.
It just fell out of me.
Please don't critique it.
Just read it.
Thank you.]

Take me back to the start
When innocence swallowed me
When ignorance drank me
When foolishness stroke me
I don't want to be here or any further ahead
I want to go back. I would rather part from you
Than advance any further in this thing you call a
Friendship. You have no idea,
You have no clue. You don't see me the way
I see you. You belong with me. Not her.

But then again, what is happiness?
Is it to be with the one you
Want?
Or is it to be with the one you
Need?
I wish you could look into the pools inside
My deep eyes and feel the passion I feel
When I look into yours.
Blame me, or blame yourself.
But either way I don't mind because I know she's
Not for you. You may not be for me and that's ok.
Because, Darling, I haven't quite
Pieced it all together yet either. But what I do know,
What I do know for a fact is that you'll come
Back to me. Even though you haven't left,
I will.
I will leave you once you become
Lost in her.


Those streets you find yourself walking
Are already miles away

From my home. Even though the road
Signs point you back to where you
Started, you will walk and wander blindly
Into a young city of love. And my river
Will run dry for you. I won't be able to
Survive without you drenching my heart
With excitement like you do now.
How could you not see the signs?
How could you walk past and not stop
Without me crossing your mind?
Or maybe you have.
Maybe you are.
Maybe you've already created and drilled
Into your thoughtless mind the impossibility
Of best friends being drawn together.
Can I survive?
Will I survive?
When I leave, will you stay?
Or will you chase after that city that calls for you?
I pray you stay. I pray you wait. I pray you feel the same.
Because I am staying quiet. You may never know
That I am in love with who you are, and I am ok with that.
Because I want you to be happy, and know that
My doors are always open and ready to allow you in.
But know you stole my heart and you have it,

Whether you asked for it or not. You protect it.
Make us of it. Don't break it. When you feel you've

Lost your way, please use it to draw you back home.
Home.
Where it's warm. Where I listen. Where I've been waiting.
Where I've checked in until kingdom come.


Don't set me free. Please know that I'm sensitive and selfish.
She doesn't deserve your flood.
I'm dry.
She doesn't need to drown.
I do.
I don't know what I've become with you.
I seem to get lost in who I am, in who I was.
I know you feel some pull to me, I know you have to.
But I cut down the tree, and chopped it into pieces
And piled it higher than a tower
But you lit me.
You set me on fire.
And now this flame burns and doesn't want to go out
And doesn't know where to take itself.
Although, I'm glad it doesn't. Don't waste this fire.
Don't waste my flame. Don't waste my warmth I provide.
Please don't blow this out when it just started burning.
She can't handle what you're feeding her. You're confused,
And only I can see it. Only I can feel it. It's too sad you don't
See me here calling your name. Obviously you don't because
Your poor young heart has wandered into that
Bright city without me at your side to walk with you.
You are going to lose me and I'm so sad that you can't see it.
Because it's coming up soon. I can't take having to hear about
Your walk,
Your journey,
Your trap that you're in with her.
I try to fix you, I try to help you, but what I really need is to
Fix myself first. I need you to see that I'm HURT.
I'm hurting and confused and in need of your affection because
What we have now is too intense to ignore.
We're clocks that are ticking. This thing we have, it has
An expiration date. When it's done, there will be no turning
Back because I will be gone. You can feel my heart.
Can you feel it beating for yours?


You may say I'm crazy, you may say I'm wrong.
You may even blame me for cutting us short,
But it's because I want you to have the best possible
Life and I can't be in it if she is. Darling, I'm going
Out to sea. Open my eyes, you can try. Light the water
And maybe I'll come back, maybe I'll paddle home,
But I will leave my heart to rest at sea.
I will leave it there to drown, because you wouldn't
Drown it for me.


So take me back to the start. When I didn't
Feel things that could possibly end us
Because I want it to be fresh again.
Oh, take me back to the start.

Take Me Back To The Start Part I

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry. You don't know how lovely you are. I had to find you, tell you I need you, tell you I set you apart. Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions. Oh, let's go back to the start. Running in circles, comin' in tails. Heads on a science apart. Nobody said it was easy. It's such a shame for us to part. Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard. Oh, take me back to the start. I was just guessin' at numbers and figures, pulling the puzzles apart. Questions of science, science and progress, do not speak as loud as my heart. Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me. Oh, and I rush to the start. Runnin' in circles, chasin' tails. Comin' back as we are. Nobody said it was easy. Oh, it's such a shame for us to part. Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be so hard. I'm goin' back to the start. [The Scientist by Coldplay]

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

You cut me down a tree and brought it back to me and that's what made me see where I was going wrong. You put me on a shelf and kept me for yourself. I can only blame myself. You can only blame me. I could write a song a hundred miles long. Well, that's where I belong and you belong to me. I could write it down, or spread it all around. Get lost and then get found, or swallowed in the sea. You put me on a line, and hung me out to dry, and darling that's when I decided to go to see you. You cut me down to size, and opened up my eyes, made me realize what I could not see. I could write a book, the one they'll say that shook the world, and then it took, it took it back from me. I could write it down, or spread it all around. Get lost and then get found and you'll come back to me, not swallowed in the sea. Ooh... and I could write a song a hundred miles long. Well, that's where I belong, and you belong with me. The streets you're walking on a thousand houses long, well, that's where I belong, and you belong with me. Oh, what good is it to live with nothing left to give? Forget, but not forgive. Not loving all you see. Oh, the streets you're walking on a thousand houses long, well that's where I belong, and you belong with me, not swallowed in the sea. You belong with me, not swallowed in the sea. Yeah, you belong with me, not swallowed in the sea. [Swallowed In The Sea by Coldplay]

1.25.2010

one down. eleven to go.

If you have a Facebook, it's really fun to scroll through the pictures from a long time ago on your profile. I like to go to my profile pictures album and see what I set as my profile picture a long time ago. Some of them I can't believe I set. Ha. It's funny how the times have changed.

[first profile pic]

As I scroll through the pictures from years ago it almost makes me sick seeing myself. I am so glad where I am now. It's fun to look back, but not when the memories or pictures make my cheeks turn red. This is why I love pictures. Memories I would normally be able to not recall on a normal daily basis, I can now because I have a picture from it.

It really weirds me out the lack of pictures I've taken this month. You see my previous month's albums like October's with 115 pictures. Or September's with 99. But you look at January's and you only see 17. I feel like this month has been really slow, yet it has gone by so fast. 2010 didn't start off that exciting.

1 down, 11 to go.


1.19.2010

boom.

Hey, ya'll.
Just thought I'd share this video with you I found on
Pretty stellar video
[[Please enjoy.]]



Kaitlin+Travis=Awesome Sauce from Shade Tree Films on Vimeo.

1.13.2010

Two Songs.




[image: Reaching by Dzires]

My College of the Ozarks interview is today. I was spazzing out last night. I couldn't sleep. I went through every possible question they could ask me, and every possible answer I could give them to those questions. I was literally shaking. I was so so nervous that I was sweating. I had to remind myself, and so did a few of my friends, that whatever is meant to be will happen. If I just go in there and be myself, I will blow them away. One of my friends told me that I can't allow fear in my mind, I have to be confident in myself.

This morning I woke up with a song in my head. The perfect song. (Thank you, God!) As I've said before, music is the ultimate relator. There is a song for anything and everything you could possibly be facing.

As the morning goes on, another song comes to mind. I would like to share these two songs with you, if you don't mind.

<>Song numero uno:

I Believe by Yolanda Adams

They said you wouldn't make it so far
And ever since they've said it its been hard
But never mind that night you had to cry
'Cause you had never let it go inside
You worked real hard and you know exactly what you want and need
So believe
And you can never give up
You can reach your goals
Just talk to your soul and say
I believe I can
I believe I will
I believe I know my dreams are real
I believe I'll stand
I believe I'll dance
I believe I'll grow real soon and
That is what I do believe
Your goals are just a thing in your soul
And you know that your moves will let them show
You keep creating pictures in your mind
So just believe they will come true in time
It will be fine leave all of your cares and stress behind and
Just let it go
Let the music flow inside, forget all your pain
And just start to believe
Never mind what people say
Hold your head high and turn away
With all my hopes and dreams I will believe
Even though it seems it's not for me
I won't give up, I'll keep it up
Looking to the sky
I will achieve all my needs
I will always believe


<>Song numero dos:


Closer by Goapele

Closer to my dreams
It's coming over me
I'm gettin' higher
Closer to my dreams
I'm getting higher and higher
Feel it in my sleep
Sometimes it feels like I'll never go past here
Sometimes it feels like I'm stuck forever and ever
But, I'm going higher
Closer to my dreams
I'm goin' higher and higher
I can almost reach
Sometimes you just have to let it go
Leaving all my fears to burn down
Push them all away so I can move on
Closer to my dreams
Feel it all over my being
Close your eyes and see what you believe
I'm happy as long as we're apart
Then I'm moving on to my dreams
I'll be moving higher
Closer to my dreams
And higher and higher, higher
Feel it in my being (I can feel it flow around me)
I know that I could not go alone
I'm moving higher
I'm going higher and higher and higher
Closer to my dreams
I'm moving upward and onward and beyond all I can see
(Stretching out my arms so I can reach)
Feels so close it's like I can just reach
I can feel my dreams (Closer to my dreams)
I'm moving closer to my dreams
I'm moving
Sometimes it feels like you never gon' change
But you never choose to walk away



[[Dear Jesus, Please help me do my best today. If this is where you're wanting me to go, please allow it to happen. Let your light shine through me. Allow me to show them who I am. Please calm my nerves and not let them show. Walk with me. Guide me. I love you. In your name I pray, Amen.]]


1.12.2010

This and That.




[[Just some random things that have been going on recently...]]

<>Ok, so winter is almost over and I still haven't went sledding. Although, I have gone ice-skating. I went for the first time on New Years Eve. [[Fun. Fun. Fun.]] I am going again this weekend with two of my friends, Andrea and Jared. That should be fun. :)

<>I have an interview tomorrow with College of the Ozarks at 2.45. I'm pretty much spazzing out. I'm afraid that myself isn't good enough. I'm afraid I'm going to say the wrong thing. I'm afraid they're not going to remember me.

<>Yesterday was my first day back to work since 2009. It feels good to be somewhat productive again.

<>I feel like I haven't talked to Cristianne in forever. We usually talk at night, but I've been so tired lately.

<>I've been eating too much. I need to stop that ASAP.

<>I went to a Bible Quiz tournament last weekend. Ripped a hole in my pants at the beginning of it. Luckily my shirt covered it, but I was uncomfortable the rest of the tournament.

<>I messed up on my Little Caeser's application twice. Cristianne says that's a sign to not apply. Ha. Maybe she's right. Or maybe I'm just stupid.

<>My 18th birthday is coming up. I'm really really excited about that! :) I get to hang out with my closest friends all at the same time. :)

Well, that's pretty much it. I feel like I haven't blogged in awhile.

1.05.2010

Oh, O Nine.


Here's my breakdown of this past year:

January
Pittsburgh. I enjoyed the nice Pennsylvania air when I arrived in Pittsburgh for my first Bible Quiz tournament of the year. This was the start of many more amazing trips and memories to follow. My three favorite girls (Whitney, Danielle and Natalie) and I, along with a van full of too many boys, drove to Pittsburgh for the Friendship Tournament. This is where I fell in love with Mr. Holland (inside joke, of course).


February
Colorado Trip. As a "reward" trip, my coach, Mrs. Beverly, took us girls to Colorado. We went skiing in Loveland, shopping at Colorado Mills, and ate at the Cheesecake Factory. This memory is one of my favorite memories of '09. I will forever remember this trip, and how generous it was for Beverly and Dawn to take us four annoying girls all the way to Colorado.


March
Senior Pics. I got my senior pictures taken by JDouglas Photography. She did such a great job, and I enjoyed it so much. To see her work, click here.





April
Graduation. A lot happened for me in April. It was a loaded month. I graduated a year early. :) So excited! For those of you who don't know, I went to public school my entire life, then was homeschooled for one final year before I graduated. I wasn't really involved in all that homeschool had to offer because I wasn't aware of all they have available. They have more sports teams than my public school did. They have dances and extra activities that I wish I would've been involved in. But, it was my choice to spend only one year homeschooling. Thank you, family, for helping me through this year. You have molded me into the person God created me to be.


May
First Bank Account. Following my graduation, I opened my first bank account with Great Southern. This made me feel 10 years older than I was, as well as going into debt for the first time did. A couple months after opening the account, I went $170.00 backwards in my account. You live. You learn. To learn more about me going in debt, click here


June
Camp. I had so much fun being on the Yellow Team for Summer Camp '09. I didn't get as muddy as usual, but it was just as much fun. Camp is always a high week for me. I love being able to throw my hair up with little or no make-up on and get down in the dirt. :) One of my favorite parts of camp, every year, that never gets old, is being able to cover my body head-to-toe in paint. One year it was green, another year it was white, and this year was yellow. Also, during the night we have the "hunt", I covered myself in black paint from head-to-toe. This was so much fun, and this is also where I met two of my friends that I have now: Andrea and Jared.


Jared is my first best guy-friend. He's like a brother to me. We "fix" eachother when something is wrong. I love my Jawed! :) Then we have Miss. Pookie Bear. :) I gave her that nickname during camp because I kept saying her name wrong. She is so much fun. I loved tie-dying with her, and getting in trouble for staying up late. We don't hang out, though, as much as we should. :)



July
Lake House. I had so much fun preparing for nationals with my favorite people. I had spent all year with these two teams, so it makes sense to spend one more week together before our final week that we had been building to for months. We spent a whole week at our coach's lake house in Branson. Right on the water we sat, staring out at the water ripples as we quoted half of the book of Mark everyday, along with a lot of other reviewing of a variety of material.

Nationals. What to say about nationals... SO much happened at Nationals. This is also one of my favorite memories of '09. Along with quizzing against the best teams in the nation, I was able to meet new friends and builed memories with the ones I already had. We went to a museum in downtown St. Louis. We played Apples to Apples too many times. We quoted the book of Mark everyday. I got to get all dolled-up for the final banquet. :) I hung out with four halarious guys that I'm so glad I got to meet... Roysan, Shola, Obi, and Josh. Even though they live all the way in Texas, I talk to them every week. They make me laugh. :)
August
First job. I started my first job as a Lab Monitor within the IT department at OTC. I love this job. :) And being able to work part-time opened up a door for me to help out with Bible Quiz this year.

Bible Quiz. I lead a team in Novice of four adorable girls. I couldn't have asked for a better team. I am so thankful to be a part of their journey this year. Everytime I see them walk in the door with their smiles on their faces, it makes me so excited to be a coach.

Tie-Dye. Me and a few friends, Ashley and Andrea, tie-dyed over a hundred shirts for Speed the Light. We raised around $480. I was so excited to be a part of something so big for the kingdom of God.

Landing. August is the month of my one of my best friend's birthday. We went and hung out at the Landing in Branson. We got chased by "balloon" boys, tried on pants that were 10 sizes too big, and flirted with a clown. I loved this night.






September
Kristen's 18th. September is also a birthday month for one of my best friends. Kristen. It was her 18th birthday and I suprised her with a low-key party consisting of her two favorite people: Me and Taylor. I faked a lie the weeks prior and made her think I was blowing her off for her birthday. I can't believe she would fall for such a lie... :) We hung out at her place and watched Billy Madison. :)


October
Alot of little random things happened in October. I dressed up as a 1950's firefighter and won 2nd in the costume contest at work. I had to bid a farewell to the Wiles, a family we had grown close with this past year. I bought a Hong Kong Inn shirt. I attended the Designed for Life women's rally at church. I hung out with my bestie and saw Zombieland at Springfield 8. To hear more about this adventure, click here. This was a loaded month for me.




November
Homecoming. I went to homecoming with Cristianne (one of my besties). I felt kind of weird going after I graduated, but I had so much fun that I didn't even care. I was able to meet so many new people that were homeschooled that I wish I had met earlier. It was such a high night of dancing and exhaustion. Ha. :)







December
Broncos. I went to my first NFL game with my family on the 6th. We saw the Broncos beat the Chiefs to the ground. It was freezing, but it was definitley a memory that I will forever hold on to.





If you made it all the way to the end, THANK YOU! I know this is a lot to read, but it's more for me than it is for you. It helps me see all those people who made an impact on my life. The people I mentioned are all people who have helped shaped me into who I am now. For those who I didn't mention above, I still want to say thank you. You also helped shaped me. Those people are...

 Rachel Kruse [us bowling]








Beverly Porter [at Nationals]



  
Darren & Amber Furr, Nathan & Robin Johnston [at graduation]
Braeswood Team... Roysan, Shola, Emeka, Josh, Unwana, Obi, Rojan, and Ose [at Nationals]
Kristen Dodd & Taylor Jenkins [at Kristen's 18th]
Tiffany Ahlswede (my favorite date friend) [chilling at church]
Becca Hodge [at DFL]
Kia Lett [being silly, taking pictures outside]
Ashley Bunch [waiting to eat at Olive Garden]
Elayni Craig [watching How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days while eating smores]
Tim Ruhter [us bowling]

Nathan & Robin Johnston, Josh Fencl, & Josh Murphy [at ILA]